AN INCONVENIENT BIBLE

 

“I hate Him! I’m furious!”

“Who master?”

“Jesus, you imbecile!” snapped Satan,

“Why master?”

“He just gets too much glory. You know, Oooo! Oooo! we worship you Jesus. Thank you for shedding your blood and taking away the sin of the world,” the Devil went on sarcastically. “Of all the self righteous, sanctimonious claptrap. Jesus being ‘Saviour of all men, specially of those that believe’. He’s sooo smug with His ‘I loved the world so much, I poured out my blood for everyman, paid for all their sins even though most end up in hell’. It gets on my goat, that’s what!”

“But facts are facts master”

“Shut up! You dithering idiot, I know that!” said Satan. “We can’t stop it but we’ll minimize the praise that Jesus gets this side of eternity. We need a plan,” he snorted.

 

A couple of minutes went by and a smile crept over the face of the old Serpent.

“That’s it!” shrieked the Dragon.

“What’s it master?”

“We’ll limit his glory! That’s what!” purred the Devil strutting around the room.

“What master?”

“Listen drongo face, it’ll take some effort, but I think we can pull it off!”

“Pull what off master?

“Take away his glory! Clip His wings! Put some sand in His petrol tank, Fix His wagon! Shoot out one of his propellers ol’ boy!” said Satan smugly.

 

“How do we do that master?”

“Four ways, Peabrain, four ways.

First, we’ll get the Bible back into the hands of the scholar – this time the Greek scholar. While we kept the Bible in Latin for a thousand years, we could tell the world what we wanted, but that little gravy train eventually crashed, didn’t it!

Second, we’ll change the words. We’ll take out all those nasty “thee’s” and “ye’s” and vacuum out all the other words we don’t like as well. Then we’ll substitute other words that have watered down meanings.

Third, we’ll give the Holy Ghost the credit for salvation instead of Jesus and Fourth, we’ll tell the mug punters that believing is a work. Brilliant, even if I say so myself”

Satan said congratulating himself.

“I still don’t understand master?”

“Of course you don’t, nitwit! That’s why I’m me and you’re not. Right, let’s get down to business. Well, don’t just sit there Malbrain, take some notes as I talk,” barked the Old Serpent.

“I remember when Rome had the ol’ Latin Bible under lock and key and chained to desks for over one thousand years, so people couldn’t read or understand it. They were the days” sighed Satan.

“Don’t cry master”

“No worries, Lamebrain. Just because the Latin gig is up, it doesn’t mean we can’t get the Bible back into the hands of scholars.”

“Who master?”

 

“The Greek! The Greek scholar Airhead! That’s who!” Satan said in a superior tone.

“How do we do that? It’s all been done – the King James Bible English is perfect, without error, infallible, inspired. The Textus Receptus has upwards of one thousand errors but God corrected them with the King James Bible” came the tentative reply.

“You’re right, my little devil. We’ll do it in stages.

 

First, we’ll tell them that the English is an inferior language to the Greek – we’ll use phrases like ‘untold richness of the Greek’ and ‘Greek nuggets’ and so on.

Second, we’ll endorse the Textus Receptus as being inerrant.

Third, we’ll create special courses in Greek so the average churchgoer who reads and believes the plain King James English, will be made to feel inferior. We’ll make them feel grovelingly grateful to those who delve into the ‘deeper mysteries of the Greek’, albeit with first and second year Greek Primers under their arms. Fourth, we’ll ….”

“You’re so clever master. But which Textus Receptus? There are several.”

“Detail, detail, detail! No-one could care less. The average mug in the pew will believe anything we tell them!” barked the malevolent one.

“Yes, I am clever and don’t you forget it neither” replied Satan. “People won’t suspect a thing, because it’s the Greek! It’s supposedly bona fide. It’s legit. It’s reputable. Look, we all knew the Latin thing couldn’t last, but the Greek, now that’s different! We’ll tell them that ‘they translated it wrongly’ or ‘the Greek actually says the opposite’ – that sort of thing” he went on.

“Ah! The ol’ Jesuit trick of opposite contradiction – the ‘Black is White, White is Black’ scenario?”

“Yep! The sillier it is, the more people will believe it,” said the Dragon. “If the plain reading in the English says one thing, we’ll say the opposite. For example – ‘For God so loved the world…’

we’ll say ‘No, No, you idiots, God so loved the elect world…”

“Do you think they’ll fall for it master?”

 

“Of course! Gnosticism, Birdbrain, is the key – deep, secret and mysterious knowledge. If people ask questions, we’ll tell them they don’t understand the deep mysteries of God.”

“But the Bible says the opposite master.”

“Shut up, numbskull! This baby won’t get off the ground if we believe what the King James Bible English words actually say!” roared Satan, “We need a break - grab a cuppa and be back in thirty.”

A half an hour passes.

 

“Now, where were we? Oh yes, Point Two – changing the words - shifting the focus, Nitwit.”

“Ooo! Hocus, Pocus, Hocus Focus!” mimicked the Nitwit as he danced mockingly around the room.

“Look for the last time, shut up! I’m being serious! We need a God with less emphasis on His love for the whole world. I’m fed up with all this Lord God Almighty business – Lord God Almighty this and Lord God Almighty that! Too commanding and powerful. That’s it! Sovereign!

We’ll get the people to call him Sovereign Lord.”

“But that word isn’t in the King James Bible master, it’s ‘NKJV-speak’. What’s it mean?”

“It’s a less powerful word than “Almighty”. That’s what it means!” retorted Satan, “that’s the beauty of changing words and phrases.” said Satan stroking his chin. “Here’s one – total depravity, eh, how about that one then?”

“What’s that mean master?”

 

“Anything we like Dumbkopf! We’ll say that because men are dead in trespasses and sins, they can’t believe. For good measure, we’ll throw in that ‘none seek after God’. Yep, it makes God seem a little less reachable and doesn’t make him so loving does it Spaghetti Brain? By changing words we seem to give God more glory, honour and power, but the opposite will be the case. Get it?”

“How do totally depraved men get saved master?”

“Obvious, Kiddiebrain! We’ll lie and tell them that God must regenerate the totally depraved sinner with the Holy Ghost before he can believe.”

“But that’s a typical Roman Catholic approach master. The King James Bible says that God justifies the ungodly not the godly or the regenerated!”

“I know that, Birdbrain. But no-one believes what the actual words say in the King James Bible anymore. Because the average pastor won’t believe the plain simple English words, he has been intimidated and bluffed by the ‘Greek experts’.”

 

“I like it master! It takes the glory away from Jesus and gives it to the Holy Ghost. Woweee”

“Just remember Nobrain, despite what people think, believing is not a work, but my zealous friends, the Deluded Ones, won’t have a bar of it.”

“The Deluded Ones master, who are they?”

 

“The Gnostics, you fool, aka the Superior Ones, aka the Zealous Ones, aka my Fifth Column. I’m so happy they won’t believe the simple words of the plain King James Bible English. Ah, professing themselves wise… . They’d be mortified to know they’re working for me.”

“You’re something else master, you’re just something else!”

“Please! Please! Stop fawning! It’s really not me at all. I only work with the raw product. All I need are three things – ignorance, willing or otherwise, I don’t much care. Second, a superior self-righteous attitude and third, a Nicolaitane spirit – all requirements to be a Devotee of the Calvin Way.”

“But master, surely the plain reading of the King James Bible demolishes your arguments – you know, ‘like sins of the whole world’ , ‘all men to be saved’ , ‘taste death for everyman’ , ‘taketh away the sin of the world’, ‘who is the Saviour of all men specially of those that believe’, ‘in their self-will’, ‘freewill offering’, ‘a willing heart’, ‘their own freewill’, ‘choose this day’, ‘not willing that any should perish’, “by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved’ – to name a few?

“You’re correct Biscuitbrain. We’ll need some big guns like Spurgeon, Luther, Edwards and Whitefield for intimidation.

 

By the way, he never really left us you know?”

“Who master?”

“Calvin, you Boofhead, John Calvin.

As they say ‘You can take the boy out of Rome but you can’t take Rome out of the boy.’ Let’s drink a toast to our partner in sin - three cheers for Calvin and his Rome-type heresy of the presalvation regeneration of the sinner before he can believe – Hip! Hip! Hooray!”

 

Jn 1:29 1Tim 4:10 Rom 4:5 Is 5:20; Mal 2:17 2Tim 4:3 Deut 28:27 Num 12:8; Is 45:19;

Is 48:16; Jn 18:20 Eph 2:1 Rom 3:11 Rom 4:5 Rom 10:2 Prov 1:7,22; 3:35; 12:23;

14:8; 15:2; 19:29 1Jn 2:2; 1Tim 2:4; Heb 2:9; Jn 1:29; 1Tim 4:10; Gen 49:6; Lev

22:18,21,23; Ex 35:5; Ezra 7:13; Josh 24:15; 2Pet 3:9 Jn 10:9

 

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 Harley Hitchcock

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