“SATAN TALKS TO HIS DEVILS ABOUT CALVINISM”
“SATAN TALKS TO HIS DEVILS ABOUT CALVINISM”
Devils: “What’s up your Evilness, you’re looking gloomy today?”
Satan: “I always feel gloomy you Nitwits … it’s the Bible.”
Devils: “You mean the ESV, the NIV, the NASB, the Good News, the NKJV … “
Satan: “Shut up you fools … they can’t hurt a fly … look you Morons … when we
say the Bible we mean the King James Bible … there’s only one … it’s the only
one that is inerrant, infallible, inspired and perfect!”
Devils: “So what can we do about it then your Maliciousness?”
Satan: We’ve discussed this several times before Numbskulls.”
Devils: “What’s that again your Deceitfulness?”
Satan: “STRESS!!!”
Devils: “Please explain your Malevolence … we are such dummies”
Satan: “Right Dummies … listen up … we start breaking up families … divorce …
domestic violence … and separate the wife from the husband.”
Devils: “But your Spitefulness … lots of couples are not husband and wife.”
Satan: “Give it a little while … the shack-ups and the hook-ups all break up
eventually.”
Devils: “We don’t understand your Nastiness?”
Satan: “Do pay attention you Dimwits … then they have to divide up the family
home … financial stress … custody battles … domestic violence … murder … job
losses … and we throw in the world’s externals of wars, rumours of war,
famines, pestilences and so on …”
Devils: “So?”
Satan: “Look you Cringing Creeps … the combination of all my 300+ bibles … you
know … the ESV, NIV, NKJV … minus the authority of the perfect King
James Bible … plus the stress of daily living … the stupid mice start flocking
to their local church to hear a brainless gormless Pastor spue out the filth of
Calvinism … you know … internal moral transformation before extrinsic legal salvation.”
Devils: “Oh!”
Satan: “With family stress, world stress, different versions … they won’t know
a dead armadillo from a blue whale!”
Devils: “Oh!”
Satan: “At the same time we infiltrate the Bible Colleges with my Calvinists
Dupes … and Bob’s your uncle.”
Devils: “Oh!”
Satan: “Yes, it starts … and ends … with STRESS … all kinds of!”
Devils: “Oh!”
Satan: “So get out there you Evil Toilet Scum and get to work.”
Devils: “Master Fiend, if it helps … we know some Calvinist Pastors already … we
call them the 5 P’s … the Preserved Pious Pied Piper Pastors ...
you know … proof of their salvation lies only in their piety that will preserve
them to the end … you know … it puts doubt in their mind … like …
“Ouch! I’m having a bad few weeks/days/months?”
“I may not be saved!”
“Have I been kidding myself then?”
“How do I know that I’ve been selected?”
Satan: “OK then … I’m impressed … but you’re still not getting my job you
Worthless Wimps!”
Harley
Hitchcock
December
2025
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“THE FORKED-TONGUED CALVINIST GOD”
