“THE NED FLANDERS VERSION – THE NFV”
“It’s all a matter of PREFERENCE!”
Now Ned is very excited about his new version translation. He’s called it “The Ned Flanders Version”. You see, Ned PREFERS to get along with people. His motto is “To get along you have to go along”. Ned doesn’t like to upset people and so he has re-written The King James Bible. Ned PREFERS to substitute in his own words, change the meanings, add and subtract words while eliminating a lot of others as the following shows.
Ned PREFERS the word “hades” to “hell” as this could upset, not only the unsaved people like Seventh Day Adventists and Mormons, but also those sensitive people who call themselves ‘christians’, who have relatives that have died but don’t like to think they are being tormented in the literal flames of hell fire.
Ned PREFERS “hades” which is a very nice resting place under the earth for departed spirits.
Ned PREFERS to eliminate the word ‘damnation’, being too strong a word that is associated with “hell”.
Ned prefers to downgrade the ‘blood of Jesus’ as this word upsets vegans and vegetarians. I mean how is Ned going to get these people to read a Bible with blood in it? Isn’t it better to PREFER a bible with only a little bit of blood in it. “I know we have to have some ‘blood’” said Ned “but I PREFER to water it down a smidge.”
Ned PREFERS to eliminate the word “sodomites” as this will upset churchgoers who have sons or relatives of ‘such persuasion’. I mean the King James Bible is categorically forthright about this sort of thing. Ned PREFERS to use the words “perverted ones” (1Kings 14:24;) and “ritual harlots” for “whores” (Deut 23:17). The King James Bible calls them sinners.
“…men of Sodom were wicked and sinners before the LORD exceedingly.” (King James Bible Gen 13:13)
“… men of Sodom were exceedingly wicked and sinful against the LORD.” (Ned Flanders Version Gen 13:13)
Dear Reader can you see what Ned has done? Ned PREFERS to call them sinful but not sinners!
Ned PREFERS to removes the word “unknown” from being associated with tongues (1Cor 14) as this will upset the Penty’s, Charos and the ‘spirit-filled’ who are firmly convinced they speak the real thing. Ned PREFERS to cloud the issue by PREFERRING to leave out the word “unknown”.
Ned PREFERS to substitute the word “Passover” for “Easter” so as not to upset the Catholics and their pagan festival of Easter. Ned PREFERS the totally wrong word of “Passover”
Ned PREFERS the softer word of ‘demons’ to the harsher word of “devils” as he doesn’t want to scare little children, squeamish adults and New Agers.
Furthermore, feminists and gender equality crowd get riled up at Adam having a wife “… an help meet for him…”, so Ned PREFERS to use the phrase “…helper comparable to him…”
In addition, Ned has re-written his bible PREFERRING that Jesus is not God so as not to offend certain religions who say that Jesus was created not begotten. So Ned PREFERS to willfully destroy the most wonderful Bible promise that “…God will provide himself…” as the lamb, with the opposite “…God will provide for himself the lamb”. (Gen 22:8).
If not enough, Ned PREFERS to deliberately remove the words “Lord” 66 times, “God” 51 times, “repent” 44 times and “new testament” completely.
Ned further bootlicks his way into the graces of the prosperity crowd as God says to withdraw from those who suppose that their financial gain is a result of their godliness (1Tim 6:5). Ned PREFERS to let these people off the hook by PREFERRING to call these people the opposite with godliness is a means of gain.
Ned PREFERS not to upset the pagans, the witches and those that sacrifice children, by PREFERRING to call God as “YAH” (Is 12:2; 26:4) which is the name of a pagan fertility god. Ned also PREFERS to call Jehovah by the name Yahweh, knowing it is the name of an ancient pagan rain god.
Ned PREFERS that all things were made through Jesus and not by Jesus (John 1:3) so as not to downgrade the importance of angels in the eyes of the Jews and deep thinking gnostics.
Ned PREFERS to leave out the word ‘not’ in order to stop Christ returning to earth at his 2nd advent (Is 9:3). Ned PREFERS not to upset the Roman Catholics as they don’t want Christ to return either.
But that’s Ned! What a great guy? He’d say “Read whatever bible you like, but me and Warren Wiersbe (WHO? google him up) PREFER my version – The Ned Flanders Version.
BUT WE SCRATCH OUR HEADS!
Why did Ned waste tens of thousands of hours rewriting his own bible?
He simply could have simply switched to THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION like Warren!
The Ned Flanders Version perfectly matches the words of The New King James Version.
“Dear Reader, do you know anyone who
PREFERS the NKJV?”